I Don't Know You, So I Can't Talk to You

Early this evening, Maria and I went to a little soiree where the majority of attendees were San Anselmo Chamber of Commerce members. Our hosts were the fabulous Joann Hartley and Jennifer Hershon of Hershon Hartley Design (website by yours truly). Although we knew a couple of people there, and HH's landlord cordially introduced himself to us, the rest of the crowd failed to respond to my standing with an open posture, soft eyes and face, and even to nods and "Hello"s that I proffered to them.

This is a disappointing phenomenon I discovered when I arrived 21 years ago in California, which I call the "I Don't Know You, So I Can't Talk to You" syndrome. Or, put another way, the "We Have to Have Met Twice" game. Here is an example from tonight: Seeing us at a party, in this case an Open House, was not enough for Frank Goodyear of San Anselmo's WestAmerica Bank (a total stranger to me, he was still wearing his nametag). When I nodded to him in greeting -- twice! -- he did not even acknowledge me. But, if I were to run into him again tomorrow at the coffee shop, I am certain he would say, "Hi, didn't I see you last night at the Hershon Hartley thing?" and we would be off and running with our conversation. You see, it is not enough that we are both human beings, that we both have struggles and joys, that we live in the same small town, or even that we both were invited to the same party at the exact same time. No, all of that only counts as Encounter No. 1. Once we meet again, then at Encounter No. 2 we will then have a common experience to draw upon and thus will have a reason to talk.

To walk around a party, or any store or coffee shop, or even to just be on the planet and to avoid eye contact and conversation with people around you -- in a social situation -- beggars the mind. How else, when else, would one meet someone new???

Checkout Chat

It may be difficult to work and talk at the same time over at the local Safeway grocery store. I went through the line this afternoon and had this little conversation with Anne, the cashier:

- "Sir, would you like to make a donation for prostate cancer?" she asked.
- "Actually, I am against prostate cancer," I said.
- "You never know when it might sneak up on you," she said.
- "Have you had any takers?" I asked, thinking of her obligation to ask every single customer today for a donation.
- "Yes, my father had it a couple years ago," she replied.

A real head-scratcher, that one.

Support Them, Challenge Them, or Leave Them Alone

Through teaching martial arts to children (at Aikido of Marin in Fairfax, CA), I have learned that I form a relationship with each and every kid in every single class. And in each moment, each child needs from me one of three things: support, challenge, or to be left alone.

When a child is struggling, when their attention is drifting, or when they are confused or lost, then I need to support them. Give them a private instruction, guide their hands in the technique we are practicing, or compliment their efforts. When a kid is having difficulty and I give them a little help and then an 'attaboy', I almost always see a smile of accomplishment and new relish for the training sweep over them.

When a child looks a little bit bored or appears to be lazily going through the motions, then I challenge them to try a variation of the technique, to come up with their own style of movement, or to switch partners and play the role of sempai (older student) and help teach one of the beginning students. If I stretch a student's practice even only a little bit, they will almost always return to the class at hand with increased interest and energy.

But my favorite moment of all is when I see a child focused on their practice and their partner, trying new and different ways of completing a technique, and even exploring with their partner exactly what makes a technique work or not work. When I see this kind of attention and engagement in the practice, then I can step back and sit in the corner and let them practice to their heart's content. Today I managed to sit for about 15 minutes straight while our sempai students taught our beginners all the elements of the yellow belt test. I loved it. That is the moment when aikido comes alive in their minds, bodies, and hearts!

"You Don't Love Me!" - A story of spiritual evolution

My wife Maria told me a story recently that she heard in a workshop led by Dave Richo.

A man had just attended a lecture on dealing with anger, and he had learned that anger -- while ostensibly caused by the actions or attitudes of others -- can often have a personal, internal cause. In fact, the experience of prior hurts or insults can resonate in the present, so much so that we can fly off the handle with anger at the least provocation.

Getting in touch with our own past hurts can free us from reacting with anger in the present moment, and the primary tool for relaxing in the moment of perceived slight is to acknowledge that the love and attention we may desire from others is not forthcoming.

So, this man drove home on the freeway, and when another driver cut him off sharply, he felt his blood begin to boil. He raced to pull up alongside the careless driver, rolled down his window, stuck out his fist, shook it, and yelled, "You don't love me!"